beyonditall.net

Photo by wwarby

A few months ago, I was organizing my coin collection in preparation for packing it for the move.   Lost in deep though, I was going back to a time when I had this massive two dollar bill collection.  OK, it wasn’t “massive”, but to me, four two dollar bills was a lot.  This two dollar bill collection along with a 1925 Chinese Yen that was given to my mother by an exchange student when she was  in high school vanished into thin air one day.  Have you ever had something that you cherished or at least valued disappear without a trace.  You know where you left it for safe keeping, but now its gone.  You searched high and low, in other people’s bedrooms, in shoe boxes, closets, and so on, and you find no crumbs or footsteps to follow.  Eventually you come to terms with the unexplainable loss.

Looking back, I think my father may have taken it.  He was at the height of his drug addiction and was totally out of control.  Other items vanished from the house during that time as well, including a vacuum cleaner, a television, and a gold and jade ring that a woman from my church had made for me when I graduated high school.  He was so out of control at the time that when my mother filed for divorced and had to pay him for half the value of the home, he carried the cash with him (high five figures) in a suitcase and went though it in a matter of months.

Going back to the money and coin collection, I wondered if I would ever find another two dollar bill to add to my currency collection.   I put everything away and moved on with my day.

Later that afternoon, I went to a local wine store with Steve.  Outside this particular store, there is a front yard and seating area that I used to frequent when I needed a semi quiet place to sit.  Steve was sitting on a bench facing the street which left me no choice but to sit with my back facing the street. I’m not comfortable having my back towards the street, when outside or sitting with my back to the door in a restaurant. I decided to just deal with it since we were not planning on being there long anyway.  As I sat with my back to the street and facing the wine store, and landscaping, I noticed the magenta colored Bougainvilla that was in bloom.  For some reason, I was always memorized by that particular flower and that day was no exception.

As I sat staring at the flowers and chatting with Steve, I noticed something laying on the ground beyond the Bougainvilla on the side of the small building.  It was green and looked like money.  I didnt think it was actually money because it was so deep in the bushes.  It wasnt possible.  I decided to go with my instinct and check anyway.  As made my way to the vine, it did look more and more like a green dollar bill.  When I was about five feet awawy from it on the side of the building, there was no question that it was money. Despite it laying in the bushes, it was very clean and in good condition.  I reached down to pick it up, grabbed it and made my way back to my seat on the bench.

I looked at it and it was a two dollar bill.

A few days after we moved in, I spent the morning getting some business and house related work done, relieved that our high-speed Comcast internet, phone and fax lines are up.  Its hard to get much work done when you’re constantly leaving the house for internet access.  I work out, shower and make an attempt to get dressed before I realized that most of my clothes are either still packed or downstairs in the basement on a clothing rack that I use to dry after running a load of laundry the night before.  I slowly make my way down the creepy basement stairs clad in nothing but my bra, panties and flip-flops. At that point, I am still timid about going down to the slightly scary basement.  I was making my way down until I saw something that looked like a giant spider on a wall to my far right.

I figured that “thing” was way too big to be a spider.  I know it was a living creature of some sort because even from about 25 feet away, I saw that it had legs. Hairy legs. I hoped to God that it didn’t have eight.  I got a little closer to it and my blood pressure rose, my heart started to pound, my mouth got dry and I felt the color from my skin fading away.  It was a spider.  It wasn’t a typical scary “normal” sized spider – this sucker was huge!  Take a trantaurula and divide it in half size wise.     I cried out to Steve who was already deeper into the basement working out. I wanted him to kill get rid of this creature.  He was annoyed that I was interrupting him and told me to wait until he was done.  In a panicky voice I tried to tell him that this spider was not your typical spider.  I hate feeling so fearful, vulnerable and dependent on someone else, but in this case, all ego was tossed out the window. After about a minute of going back and forth, he finally got up, frustrated that I interrupted what he was doing.  After seeing this spider, he finally understood what the big deal was.  Even he was taken aback.

The Origin

Now before you tell me that spiders are our friends because they eat mosquitoes and other undesirable insects, let me remind you that a true phobia is an irrational fear.  There really isn’t an identifiable reason why someone should fear something.  My phobia of spiders is not based on a memory or bad experience.

My first spider memory happened when I was very young.  I must have been one and a half when I was laying in my crib one night.  I have very early childhood memories and this was one of my first.  I remember feeling some anxiety since my mother was going to go to work soon.  It was late in the evening and she worked nights as an ICU LVN and went to school during the day to become an RN.   I missed her terribly at night when she went to work.  I remember not understanding why she had to go and leave me so often.  I remember being told about the bills that needs to be paid, but that meant nothing to me.  When I was laying in my crib, I noticed a black spider crawling across the pink wall in my bedroom.  At that point, I remember feeling fear.  Somehow, I knew it was a spider before someone told me it was.  How I knew that, I dont think I will ever know.  Past life experience perhaps?  Because I felt fear, I cried for my mother to come in.  My mother and brother came in, got rid of the spider and all was well again.

I was always afraid of spiders though other insects never bothered me.  I have been stung by bees and wasps, but I don’t have a phobia of them.  I have a healthy fear, but not the ‘life flashing before my eyes’ type of fear. Though one of the most common phobia is of snakes, they dont even bother me. My typical phobic reaction is what I mentioned above when I saw the giant spider.  Other reactions can include, shortness of breath, nausea, shaking, crying, sweating and worse at times.  It gets stranger: spider webs (even without a spider) bother me too.

During my entire childhood, my mother tried to reason with me with the “spiders are our friends” statements.  She even got me Charlotte’s Web by E.B. White in an attempt to lighten my view of spiders.  Though I loved the book, I could never see “Charlotte” (the spider)  in any of the spiders I’ve came across in real life.

Now that I’m in a new space, I am a bit timid when I enter rooms, especially the basement.  Unlike our previous house, we don’t have those super sealed double paned windows that helped in keeping the spiders and other bugs out. We are blessed with a garden full of tomatoes and summer squash but heading back there to harvest is always an adventure.

I wonder if I will ever shake my phobia of spiders. I will gladly pay money just so that I can enjoy gardening instead of sweating in fear every time I got out into the yard, or having my heart stop when I see a speck on the wall.