Photo credit: EndangeredAngel
Besides the obvious potentially life changing fears that come with having multiple sclerosis, some of my fears are much less significant. Fears that started out as being mohills somehow turned into mountains.
Starting around the age of eight or nine, I have developed an awareness of weight and size. I had two slightly older cousins who were naturally thin. They were the type that can eat anything they want and not gain an ounce. Though I was still a typical skinny kid, I naturally have a larger bone structure that overshadowed their more frail builds and I felt self-conscious of that. Several times I was called “fat” by them though I was still fairly thin. It was something that I was able to “ignore” by not saying anything back, but it still stung.
Having a mother that constantly obsessed with dieting and loathe at the weight she gained from the stress of working nights as an ICU nurse in a pediatric hospital, going to school during the day to become an RN, raising two young kids and dealing with a severely alcoholic husband didn’t help my perception of size and weight. I saw her go on those ‘80s low-fat diets, Weight Watchers, liquid diets and even diet pills. She would look in the mirror with horror, hated dressing up, constantly dig through her closet in search of the the perfect outfit that “camouflaged” as much as possible and so on.
Sometime in my early teens, I discovered something called purging. It wasn’t something I practiced daily or even weekly, but I saw it as an “out” in case I overate too much of the “wrong” foods. Going through puberty at a relatively young age and sporting a nice C cup at 14, I saw my body developed in ways that pleased me during this time in my life, but I still feared the “F” word. Dieting wasn’t in my vocabulary at this time in my life, but I remained aware of the possibility of needing to cut back on french fries and doughnuts. Having five impacted wisdom teeth removed right after I turned 15 helped me lose about 15 lbs on a two week juice and smoothie diet which I couldn’t be happier to let go of even though I didn’t need to.
Fast forward five years PCOS (Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome) decided to set up shop in my body causing me to gain at least 40 lbs in a short period of time – not to mention several other unpleasant symptoms. Though it was something I wasn’t happy with, surprisingly, I didn’t obsess. I guess at the time, I thought this was par of the course when it comes to becoming an adult. I knew very little about PCOS and didn’t realize that for me, diet and lifestyle can play a huge role in my recovery and managing this syndrome. Most of the women in my family are overweight if not obese. My late paternal grandmother was close to 400 lbs at her death (though she was 6’5”) and most were getting close to that point, except the two non-blood related cousins. I thought this was my destiny.
Time goes on and so does life. Marriage, divorce, job loss (several times), loss of a baby, health issues associated with PCOS and I become more and more unhappy with my body. The purging still goes on, though it’s not chronic so no one not even anyone I have a romantic relationship with notices.
Dating and general socializing again after the divorce made me aware of my size. I became unhappy by not only how I look, but how I felt. I was tired, lethargic, in physical pain from complications from PCOS and the weight didn’t help. Long story short, in an effort to improve my health and looks I dropped from a size 14 to a 6.
Since the weight loss, my life has changed. Men are nicer, more helpful, gracious and generous with me as shallow as that may be. I can go shopping for clothes in the “regular” size section, I dont feel like I have to cover any part of my body, going swimming is less traumatizing, I even look dramatically different. My own brother didn’t recognize me when he saw me in a store once. He looked right through me and stared at me for 10 seconds before he knew it was me. Looking at my “before” pictures, I can see why. It doesn’t look like me since most of my weight was upper body, stomach, face, chest, etc.
Though I feel and look better than I did before, my awareness of my size has increased. I thought confidence was supposed to come with age, but it seems the older I get, the more I fear my body expanding.
With my current symptoms, running is out of the question (at this time). I exercise using a spinning bike (no risk of falling or running into something) and hand weights though my strength has diminished but until I get a rowing machine, that is it for now. My diet is still in check. What if I can’t exercise and stay toned and in shape? How can I be happy with my body at any size? I know I can recover and do some of the things I enjoy but it’s still uncertain and there are no guarantees with MS.
Carla,
This is such a powerful post. Thank you for writing it. I struggle with body image and weight, so much so that size 14 would be kinda cool to achieve. Physical activity is limited for me, but I’m getting stronger and you can too.
The uncertainly with MS is always there somewhere, however it does become less disruptive over time. Please keep in mind that the first year after diagnosis is often the hardest. Keep writing (it’s very therapeutic) and reaching out to others who understand. We’re all there with you.
Lisa
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Hi Carla,
Your story here – thank you for sharing it, and for your honesty in your writing.
I’ll share a small snippet of my journey. About five years ago, I had gained a bunch of weight, and wasn’t happy at all with how I looked or felt. And I started an exercise routine, and eating healthy. And the main reason I did it – at first – was to look better. Vain? Yes. Today, I maintain a healthy lifestyle – but the reasons have changed. Now I do it because I want to feel healthy. But all this still makes me wonder – after reading here – am I nicer to people that look “nicer”? I know what I want the answer to be – and yet, I’m not sure that’s it…
And still, that said – if I know someone – it doesn’t matter what they look like. So Carla, although I doubt this does much for you, know that it doesn’t matter what you look like, how your body changes, or what MS does or doesn’t do – you are still “you” at the core. And I like that very much. And I always will…
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What a fascinating post. Thank you so much for sharing your personal struggle with body image. I think every woman, regardless of her size, can relate.
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@Lisa – Thank you for sharing your feelings and your struggles as well. Also thanks for the reminder that this will get easier as time goes on.
@Lance – Its not very often that I hear a man chime in on the subject and I appreciate it very much. My fiance has some of the same struggles and questions when it comes to feelings about weight and how others are treated. Its good to hear it from others. Thank you.
@Vered – Thank YOU Vered. I really appreciate some of you posts about the subject. They are very well written.
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[...] some of the self inflicted struggles I’ve had with this in a post back in the spring called My Own Worst Enemy. I guess I should also say I am my own worst [...]
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