Whenever there is a “parents day” like mother’s or father’s day, it always leaves a sour taste in my mouth no matter how hard I try to ignore the Hallmark holidays. Memories flash across my mind like an impromptu slide show and silent voices gets replayed in my mind over and over like a tape loop.
Its just a made up holiday, why should let it bother me? Reading the sweet memories and reflections from other people about their parents (and in particular, their fathers) have always left me feeling lost, and incomplete. As a younger adult, I always though this would pass as I get older. Thirty is here and those thoughts and feelings have not changed. In fact, they have increased.
About a month and a half ago, I saw my father for the first time in ten years. When I walked into the Oakland Whole Foods eating area where we agreed to meet, he looked at me like he saw a ghost. The first thing he said to me was “you look exactly the same”. I guess he was expecting me to look…older. He looked uncomfortable, almost afraid. Two days prior over the phone, I pretty much gave him an altamatum to either see me already or stop calling and emailing making promises he has no intentions of keeping. Promises of “being there” for me, and then silence would follow.
We embraced briefly and sat at the small table across from each other. As I folded up my cane and placed it in my tote, he asked what it was for. I told him it was to help me with my balance, but I don’t need it all the time. I guess I was trying to ease his concern. He looked as if he was uncomfortable at the thought of his baby girl using a cane. That part of the conversation was over.
It was an awkward and uncomfortably familiar hour we spent together. He brought me lunch and we chatted a bit about my health, my work, his day-to-day life, our family and so on. The conversations was roundabout and very casual. We really didn’t scratch the surface of anything. There have been so many changes in my life over the past ten years that he was not there for: my wedding, abusive marriage, divorce, another disastrous relationship, late pregnancy loss, other less significant life changes, then the MS diagnoses which I told him after I was diagnosed. When I told him about these events as they occurred, I didn’t hear from him for a while each time. This day, it felt like talking to a stranger despite the fact that we lived under the same roof for the first eighteen years of my life.
As the rain started to fall outside, I wondered if we would ever be close. Thirty years and it hasnt happened.
Since we met, I got one email from him, reiterating how he could not believe how much I have not changed. I thanked him for the complement and let him know that I would like to see him again. Still waiting to hear back.
I really connectecd to this post. It seems like I am in the same predicament like you are with your father as i am with my father.
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Carla,
I’m so sorry to hear about the difficult relationship you’ve had with your father. Especially in light of moments where his presence would have been a reassuring moment for you. Know that there are people that care, very much, though. I care.
Lance´s last blog ..Sunday Thought For The Day
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i understand that relationship, my father was hardly around after the divorce. we kept in touch, but i don’t think we will ever be close, he’s almost a stranger to me. it’s really their loss and sometimes ours. we miss out on a lot.
Natural´s last blog ..Why Wait, Buy Now!
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I’m so sorry.
HUGS.
Vered – MomGrind´s last blog ..Friday Links
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That’s so sad. Family relationships can be so difficult sometimes.
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It’s a shame that these holidays manage to make us feel like we’re missing something in our lives. I don’t think anyone truly has Hallmark moments with their parents/family, so don’t feel too badly.
SassyGirl´s last blog ..Two types of girls
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@SassyGirl – Good point! Thank you for the perceptive!
@Lovelyn – They sure can!
@Vered – Thank you Vered.
@Natural – Very true. Its not just *our* loss.
@Lance – You are too sweet. Than you so much Lance.
@Autumn – ((((hug)))
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