beyonditall.net

Its now September and fall is almost here.  On the 14th, I will celebrate my one year anniversary in Portland, Oregon.  Its been a bittersweet year for many reasons topped off with the loss of my grandmother a few weeks ago.  I will write about that in a future post.

Its hard to believe that we are now in the homestretch of 2010, 32 is around the corner and I still have MS (eye roll).  I’ve recently been reminded to set goals in my life.  Both short and long-term goals.  Time is neither going backwards or standing still and life will go on while I’m still in the hole or spacing out.  More on this later, but I hope everyone have a fun and safe Labor Day!

Once again, a great deal of time has passed since my last post. There has been so much going on over the past few months, I cant begin to get into it all right now. Right now, I am in the process of moving. Thankfully, this time, its a local move (still in Portland) and I have less baggage.

Once I get settled in my new place, I will have more time and space to sort things out in terms of my family, health and business. There will be more posts here as well.

Cheer!

Drowning in work that is.

Since the new year began, my daily to-do list piles up more and more.  Part of it is my 2010 goal to be more productive, and part of it is catching up on things that’s been left behind over the past few months.  I gave myself a “day off” on Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. day, but paid for it the rest of the week – and this was after I worked the prior weekend.  This makes working a typical 9-5 a little more appealing, (not to mention the added benefit of group health insurance and paid time off) though unemployment is still very high and even more impossible in my field and previous occupation.

I thought about going back to school, but just as I was feeling fourteen years ago when I had to decide what I wanted to do with my life, I still don’t have a clue now.  Every occupation that I’m remotely interested in is either saturated, moved overseas, I don’t have the physical qualifications due to MS,  or there is just no money in it.

Its hard feeling like I’m constantly in limbo when it comes to career, but I guess that puts me in the same boat with mostly everyone else in one way or another.  I do really enjoy Green and Chic, but I feel like I need a “safety net”  just in case.  A friend suggested talking to a career counselor.  That may not be a bad idea.

Have you ever consulted with a career counselor?  If so, how was your experience?

Maybe I’m in denial, but I still cant believe 2009 has ended. A part of me still cant believe we’re already into the second decade of the 21st century.  I go though this at the end of every year: shock, sometimes panic and then anticipation as I head into the next year.  I know for many people, New Year Resolutions are overrated, but this is the perfect time for me to start.  Having just had an upgrade (birthday) in December from Carla 3.0 to Carla 3.1, it seems appropriate for me to make some changes – both minor and major over the next twelve months and beyond.

I would like to thank all my readers who’ve supported me since I started Beyond It All back in early spring.  I don’t have many posts so it would be a little redundant to do a bloggers style year end review post but you know where to find them.

Happy Near Year everyone!

I was thinking about my body image a few days ago when I was walking home from the gym.  Looking over the years since I’ve became aware I have a physical body, I’ve never been happy with my appearance. I’ve had and still have my moments, but I’ve never been totally content. I wrote some of the self inflicted struggles I’ve had with this in a post back in the spring called My Own Worst Enemy.  I guess I should also say I am my own worst critic.

As I strolled though the neighborhood with my cane and small gym bag, I scanned my brain for reasons why I am  still feeling the way I’m feeling about my body despite the fact that I have bigger fish to fry when it comes to my body and health.  I outlined some reasons that started early in life in that post, and wonder if its realistic to resolve those issues as an adult.  Is it something that I have to keep working at?  Its obvious to me that simply telling myself “its in the past, move on” doesn’t work. I guess some people would  blame the media for my feelings, but I don’t watch much TV and the only magazines I read are trade magazines and journals.

I actually look at other women in real life and envy their appearance.  The thin woman who can eat what they wish – you know, simple foods like bread. Food and drink that wont show up on their waist line while I analyze everything that I put into my shopping basket and eventually put in my mouth.  The naturally slender woman who only has to do gentle Yoga or token cardio for exercise while I sweat  and strain at the gym and at home to keep a waistline.     I try to sweep those negative, useless, thoughts out of my head only to return in no time.

Like an addict that hides their addiction from others, I haven’t told many people my true feelings.  I guess its about time for me to seek real help for my addiction.

View from my last home - Kensington, CA

As I sit home on Thanksgiving day listening to Verdi Requiem, I look back at those few years (2002-2006) I was in a classical chorus where we performed this piece.  I realized despite some major setbacks over this past year, I am in a much better place now than I was back then.

A few things I’m thankful for:

• No longer living in the Bay Area – I was born and raised in the Bay (Oakland, CA to be exact) and it wasn’t until I moved to Portland that I realized just how uncompromising that whole area is to me.  If you cant afford an overpriced home to buy or rent, you’re living in a not so great, crime ridden area.  My experience was pretty black and white. I’m thankful I was able to live in a breathtakingly beautiful neighborhood during my last few years there, but it was getting difficult to afford it – especially on disability.  The Bay Area has it good points, but unless you are “set” (ie. purchased a home 10+ years ago, or have a really good salary), you’re out of luck.  I will enjoy visiting family who’s still in the area though.  Fortunately for them, they are set.
• Fitness – Going though a multiple sclerosis exacerbation back in the early spring had left me weak and out of shape.  Because I wasn’t very active (not by choice), I lost muscle tone and stamina. I recently joined a gym in my neighborhood and go there four days a week now.  I haven’t feel this good in almost a year!
• My sister – I have a half sister that wasn’t a part of my life until recently.  She’s my father’s daughter and I met her for the first time when I was fourteen.  I saw her one other time ten years ago when I got married and didn’t see or speak to her after that until recently before I moved.  Its  a shame because she never lived more than a few miles away from me.  Ironically, we are closer than ever now despite being hundreds of miles apart.  We talk on the phone at least every week, text message often and send each other small gifts and cards. There are eleven years between us (she older), but it doesn’t feel that way at all.  I look forward to seeing her again when she comes to visit us in a few weeks.

I don’t think these thoughts of have come to mind had I not put on the music that reminded me of my recent past which is a direct contrast to life now.

We arrived in Portland on late Sunday morning after many months of preparation, weeks of packing and  days and hours of driving up from the Bay Area.  “Fried” is an understatement of how I feel now, but its good to be at the tail end of this transition.  Our next step is the transfer our businesses across state lines, change addresses, do the whole automobile thing (registration, drivers license, insurance) notify friends and family of our new location and get acquainted with our new city.  My health insurance is another huge step but hopefully it wont be so painful   Not having regular Internet access when you run businesses from home is difficult, but we are getting by with local cafes until Comcast arrives Wednesday.  We are in the “Alberta Arts” district and there isn’t a shortage of things to do and places to go.  We will be in our place for a little less than a year which will give us a chance to transition and learn more about the city before settling into something more permanent.

It all hasn’t sinked in yet.

Every now and then, I think about some of my fears and phobias.  From spiders to having to make a phone call, certain simple day-to-day scenarios sometimes give me a level of anxiety.  And then there are other times when I cant explain why or how I did what I did.  Looking back at certain actions I took, I feel like I was outside of myself in those moments.  The “real me” was out to lunch while someone else took over my mind and body.

Situation#1:

In late 2004, I was home alone in my apartment on a Tuesday.  It was about 11:30AM and I was just starting my day.  There was a knock on the door.  Since it was a secured building, I would have gotten a call  from the intercom.  I decided not to answer and went into another room since I didn’t want to be bothered.  Seconds later, there was a man in the apartment. I was scared but I didn’t scream. I asked who it was and he bolted out.  I chased him out the door, into the hallway, down the stairs, out of the building and down the street.  He was long gone before I knew it.  A downstairs neighbor heard the commotion and asked me what happened. I told him that someone broke into my place and then I ran back to my apartment to call 911.  I was put on hold.

A few minutes later, a downstairs neighbor came from from having lunch around the corner to discovered he was robbed.  He didn’t have many possessions, but they took everything he had: computers, business backup drives, files, spare keys to his car, identification – everything.  The cops took six hours to arrive to take our reports.

I don’t know why I ran after that guy, I just did. I acted without thinking about any potential consequences.  I don’t know why or what I was trying to accomplish if he was leaving.  I guess ill never know.

Situation#2:.

Before me and Steve started living together, we were sitting at the front porch of his old house.  It was late, we had just grabbed food out and wanted to relax on the porch since it was fairly warm.  There was a young couple across the street that was arguing with each other. The came down from a few blocks away and settled directly across the street from the house. I was going to go inside for some peace and quiet since they wasn’t moving on but decided not to.  The arguing continued continued and intensified. Though I was annoyed by the noise,  it didn’t feel right for me to go inside.  While they were still arguing, the young woman decided to leave the guy she was with.  It seemed like she just had it and didn’t want to continue the intense discussion with him.  As she turned to walk away from him, he grabbed her by the neck with his arm in an attempt to drag or slam her to the ground.

I don’t remember what happened from the time I witnessed that until the time I was was in this guy’s face.  According to Steve, my food flew to one side of the porch, I flew down the stairs and I bolted across the street.  I normally have a normal  healthy fear of traffic while on foot, but I didn’t even look both ways before crossing  the busy street.  Steve was in shock and concerned for my safety, but ran in the house to call the police.  I don’t remember the exact words that was exchanged but since the police was coming, I wanted to keep them both there as long as possible.  The young man as afraid of me and I was afraid of him.  He had been drinking and I didn’t know what he was capable of.  All I know is he could have really injured this woman the way he grabbed her.   Thankfully the police was near, but when they saw the police car from a block away, they ran off before the officer was able to approach us.  I wasn’t going to stop them at this point though I wanted to.  I at least wanted for the young woman to stay with me when the guy ran off but they left together.  I called after her, but she kept running.

All I was able to do was explain to the cop what I saw, their general description and the direction they went off to.  I dont know what happened after that, but I get the feeling they were never found.  Every now and then, I think about this young woman. I wonder if she stayed with him after that night.

This brings me back to my original question: Brave, stupid or both?  I think about the people who put their lives on the line all the time for the sake of others: police, fireman, rescue workers and regular everyday people.  Situation #1 was a case of me not having a healthy fear when someone invaded my home.   If he was running out, I should have stayed put and called the police (which had me on hold anyway).  From time to time, I wonder why I didn’t.  Most people would have probably screamed, run the other direction, reached for a frying pan and/or telephone to call for help.   What made me run into the fire?

Situation #2 was a bit different.  Someone was in real danger and the guy needed to be stopped immediately.  Should I have been the one? There were other people nearby in including a few men, but they just froze.  Looking back at that situation, I wouldnt change a thing.

How do you know when its appropriate to act or when its best to stay put? Do you act first and ask questions later or do you do the opposite? What determines your decision?

Preparing for a move can bring up a lot of emotions.  As I go though my things to either pack or purge them, I find items I haven’t used in a while.  In a small basement cabinet, I came across two of my tennis rackets and four packs of tennis balls.  I wondered if I should bother packing them with the idea that I would be able to use them again, or just give them away to someone who will.  My running shoes has already gone in the garbage (they were worn down anyway) and I gave away my ski suit.

Though I am able to work out on a stationary bike and other equipment, take long walks, and use hand weights, I’m reminded of what I cant do.  One of my favorite places to go is the Berkeley Rose Garden where I totally lose myself in all the colors and shapes that surround me.  There are a few tennis courts at the garden where I sometimes gaze at the people doing what I used to be able to do.  I wonder what would happen if I go out on the court. I would have to put down my cane, not do any sudden movements with my head, not raise my arms, or stoop down.  That would limit my ability to play. Looking at the players, I feel like a small child gazing longingly at the big kids playing outside.

Going from running in December to using a cane in late January to disability in March is pretty dramatic.  I’m almost afraid to even think about the next few years. I remind myself that I should focus on what I can do now. If a bike or rowing machine is all I can handle, then that’s what I will do. If going out on a neighborhood walk with my camera is my limit, then so be it.   Besides my physical fitness, I have my piano, sewing machine, art painting supplies, gourmet cookware, choral music scores, camera, my websites, and my knitting supplies.

My advice to you is not
to inquire why or whither,
but just to enjoy your ice cream
while it’s on your plate.

-Thornton Wilder

A few neighborhood photos.